In my coaching, I’ve found that it’s incredibly common to come up against patterns, behaviours, thoughts, and actions which are directly opposed to the client’s stated outcome, and even their own mental wellbeing. Some I’ve written about before, like Impostor Syndrome, Procrastination, and Living With Fear.
These things which all hinder our success, harm our physical and mental well-being, and our emotions can all be called self-sabotage.
Self-sabotaging behaviours
Self-sabotage is something we all engage with to some extent. It can be unconscious, or it can be very much conscious, from a small deviation from our goal to something more like a slow motion car crash unfolding before us which we’re unable to stop. I’ve come across the whole range in my coaching and it fascinates me how even if people are aware of it they’re still unable, or at least feel they’re unable, to stop themselves from engaging it in something which is directly harmful to their well-being.
Conscious self-sabotage are all about the decisions we make; from something quite low impact, like deciding to spend time with your friends instead of doing the dishes, to spending time with your friends when you have an important paper to do tomorrow. It can be staying up late when you have an early start or it can be having that extra drink when you’re trying to cut down. The common thing here is that we’re aware of it, we know the consequences of our actions, and we go ahead anyway. Sometimes we can alleviate the consequences, like an extra strong coffee in the morning, but sometimes we don’t see the long-term consequences such as the impact on a long term goal such as weight loss, mindset change, career change, etc. We see them, but we’re simply unable to avoid them.
Unconscious self-sabotage is when things such as impostor syndrome, fear, or having to take responsibility sneak in. This can lead to avoidance, for example almost consciously being late for everything, engaging in counter-productive actions like social media scrolling, or simply quitting. The whole thing here is about the negative payoff; that reward we get for doing something that is actually harmful to us mentally and sometimes physically. By being late we’re trying to avoid a potentially unpleasant situation. By not starting on that important piece of work we’re avoiding potential criticism, maybe simply because we don’t know where to start. Or at least think we don’t (hint: the great thing about not knowing where to start is that then it doesn’t matter where you start). It can also be about being caught in an endless I’m Not OK-like life position (which you can read about here) which provides the excellent payoffs of attention, pity, sympathy, and not having to take any responsibility whatsoever as we’re not in control.
The main thing about unconscious self-sabotage is that we’re not aware of the payoff. Exploring that payoff can be key to unlocking the self-sabotaging behaviour.
Ways to stop self-sabotaging
The key, as with most things, to overcoming self-sabotage is to be aware of it. Being aware not only of your thoughts and actions now but the consequences of those thoughts and actions in the future can help you see when you are self-sabotaging. Even if it’s something which might seem beneficial right now, the long-term consequences can be quite detrimental.
The difficulty, though, lies in finding options, which is why coaches love asking the question: “What else can you do?” I’ve often used these questions to try and find options and help the client (or myself) be aware of their actions:
-What can I do?
-What do I want to do?
-What do I need to do?
-What should I do?
-What am I going to do?
Answering those questions and looking at the consequences of each can help unlock a frozen mind by letting us explore options and be honest with ourselves.
Choosing the right mindset can also help. Now, hang on, I hear you say, how can you choose your mindset? Well, by recognising if your mindset is being negative or positive. Just asking yourself that question can be a really powerful way of understanding why. It can be as simple as: “Why am I doing this?” -“Because I feel down and this will cheer me up.” -“Will it work in the long-term or short-term?” -“Most likely short-term.” -“What’s the long-term result?” -“I don’t get to where I want to be, my goal will take longer to reach, and eventually I’ll feel bad again.” -“There you go, now shut up brain.”
Other ways can be journaling, simply writing down your thoughts at the end of the day. This forces you to actually think about your thoughts rather than acting on impulse at the speed of a neuron. Recognising negative self-talk is another; asking yourself why you’re putting yourself down.
Time to stop the self-sabotaging and move forward
I hope this can be helpful in starting to overcoming self-sabotaging behaviours. Remember that sometimes we don’t see the outcome, or we simply don’t believe in it. Awareness of what we’re doing, why we’re doing it, and what we’re getting out of it can lead to understanding of both what holds us back and how to move forward.
